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( keep breathing: a necessary reminder to myself)

May 10, 2010

I have been living in worried wondering days for a week. It is causing my lungs to constrict and a mildly panicky feeling to swell in my heart. I heard this song last night and it brought my mind back to some words I wrote last year. Here they are. Because I need a reminder to keep breathing…

“But all that I know is I’m breathing. All I can do is keep breathing”

I used to commit to things. I used to be the kind of person who stuck with something no matter what. Then at the most inopportune time I became this fumbling bumbling mess of girl, who cannot make decisions and cannot commit. Honestly, I can’t even commit to having a crush on someone ( still true). A bit ago I would have laughed if you would tell me this would be the life I would live. Me and my planner and my five year plans would have cracked up at the current state of myself. Really? I can hear my old self saying. Really? You decided to change your major how many times? Really? You switched schools how many times? Really? What was supposed to be your senior year you decided you had no clue what you wanted to do? Really? You took time off of well.. almost everything? Really? You even entertain thoughts of somehow making a life out of making art and baking? Really??

All I can say to that questioning disappointed old responsible self is. Really. I think being the messy girl you are now is better. I think this road is harder. It may not look anything like what you thought, but, I think you will be full of so much joy and so many breathtaking stories. I know you love the Lord and yourself more than you did. I know you are becoming more of who you are supposed to be, more comfortable in your own skin. I know there has been some utter disasters, mistakes, and a fair amount of pain. But you have learned and grown and seen some beauty from ashes. You know the Lords promises for your life; hold unto them Do not! Do not settle for less than He has told you. I know that sometimes you want to return to that old self. You wonder if this is all wrong. Well. It’s not. It’s just not your plan. Think of that group of middle school girls, or telling your story to a stranger in a flower shop, or honest conversations with dear friends, or the picture of the home you will share with a man who it feels like breathing with, or the paintings, or the baking, or the dinner parties. And when all else fails and you feel the disappointment settling in, Keep breathing. Keep living your life. Keep breathing. Life is a heartbreaking breathtaking gift and Jesus died so you could live, full, not just sorta kinda half way settle for less live. So do the things that fill your heart; making art, baking, cooking, loving, praying, telling stories, laughing,having adventures. Then I think in the midst of giving up and celebrating your life you’ll find what you should be. Really. Don’t be afraid. Keep breathing.

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